So hard work does pay off after all.

In fact, any work, hard or not, pays off. I am so relieved. So, so relieved.

Got back the following today: two lit essays, GP compre/essay. Got news of history results. Surprisingly, I got Bs for both lit essays (one on King Lear and the other on Marlowe's Edward II. Everytime I look at the title I think of Pretty Woman: "Can I call you Eddy?"), which I really wasn't expecting. I was expecting to get a B3 for GP, which I did. What was most pleasant was finding out that I actually passed European history though I only started revising the night before. I did pretty ok for South-east Asian history too, apparently, but I'll have to wait till thursday before I get my papers back.

Can't tell you how glad I am that everything is turning out pretty okay, and that I've got a month or so to get up to speed before the As.

I feel half-guilty for saying this, but I attribute my Bs to the WTC incident that happened the night before the exam. Just seeing it on the news totally shook me up, and sent all my plans to study for the rest of the night flying out the window. The next morning was spent channel surfing between CNN and CNBC, and not on a last reading of Lear or Eddy or The Nun's Priest's Tale. Studying lit... really trying to study it numbs you somehow, and you can't give a good answer if you don't feel anything for the text.

Tragedy.... reminds us to be human.

And after that, everything on the exam just seemed to make more sense.

There's a conversation in Ed II that goes "Why do you hate him whom the world hates so?" (a noble asking Kind Edward why he's with his gay lover Gaveston. The King's lover, not the noble's.) and then "Because he loves me more than all the world." Goes straight to your heart, doesn't it? (Even if you're homophobic, it's difficult to ignore a line like that.)

Everyone who has a blog (almost everyone, anyway) has probably written something about the WTC attacks. Expressing sympathy, grief, support in this hour of need.

I don't know what to say, honestly.

I'm sad, of course. Shocked and angry that so many people died. But then I listen to those who point out that America is at least partially to blame. And I wonder.

And it seems as though everything that I was so sure of in the past has been shaken up. How can you sympathise with someone and blame them at the same time? How can you feel so much for them and try not to so that you can listen to logic and reason?

What can I do? What can I say?

The examiner commented on my GP essay, said that I have a 'singular view' of things. Not anymore.

Last day of so-called 'holiday'. Sort of like the calm before the storm that the A levels are. I just suddenly decided to do this (after many, many failed attempts) 'cos I really haven't done anything productive in the past 5 days. Except, maybe, scan in a year's worth of photos (1999's, if you wanna noe). Amazing how many photos you accumulate over time, even if I'm not really a photo-taking kind of person.

And that's what started this, I guess. I just feel like I need a concrete record of what I'm doing now, what I've done so far, 'cos I don't really have... memories of my past 17 years. Just a vague echo of how I was feeling at that time, or what a place smelled like. So strange, though I've never really thought of it before. I want to look back, in a year or two, reading this, and actually remember what was going on.

Another thing. On Wednesday, after and absolutely horrendous Econs DRQ paper (naturally, set on one of the topics I didn't study), I was walking along, with some of my JC1-1st-three-months classmates, realising (with a tinge of horror) that now I barely knew them at all, apart from maybe Jerm, but that's because I was in council with her, so that doesn't count. And Wanyan, (cheerful as always, thank the cosmos since I don't believe in god), began our conversation with : "Luyuan, how are you, I haven't talked to you in such a long time!" Actually I prefer to spell my name in two words, Lu Yuan, but Wanyan has this lilt in her voice that somehow slurs them together.Just setting things down in case in the future, in case I don't remember. Wanyan has begun our last five or six conversations this way. They were going to Orchard, just to eat and talk, stuff which doesn't take much brainpower after the exams. And I was thinking, Dang, they didn't invite me. So I'm not the only one who forgets things and people.

Not so, actually, the missed invitation was because I change email addys so often that people can't keep up. I don't know why, either, I just get tired of deleting all those emails titled "Free Astrology Report!" and "4 Serious Virus Warnings" and "Clinique's New Fall Colours!", which invariably start pouring in after a while. I'm a sucker for newsletters and stuff. Besides, every change in email service provider accompanies a change in username. I started out with splat, then moved on to soLiLoquY and now I'm at silver.sol. Shedding identities along with spam, I think. (But for some reason or another they all begin with S.)

Wanyan was horrified. "But you'll lose all your contacts!" Hmmm, contacts. I'm bad at keeping in touch. The last time I contacted anyone from Pre-U Sem (which I really enjoyed, by the way, no attempt at shaking off unpleasant memories here).... not exactly contacted, actually I met him at the MRT station after attending some Literary Symposium that was an utter waste of time.

*FLASHBACK*

CALVIN: Hey, Lu Yuan. *weak grin* (no, not because he was unhappy to see me. At least I hope not. He was sick that day...)

ME: Hey.... *considerably more enthusiastic smile*

CALVIN: Everytime I see you you're in a blazer....

ME: Doesn't matter, we lose everytime we go for these things anyway.

Talked for a bit more on the train, the poor guy was really feeling quite sucky. "We should really arrange a gathering..." yadda yadda. Of course I never did. Dunno about him. But I have very fond memories of Pre-U Sem, kudos to everyone in AJC who organised it.

That's just it. It's knowing that you've had all these fond memories, but not.... remembering them.

And then today I was trawling the web - the word 'trawling' comes to mind though I don't know what it really means - and I stumbled across this diaryland journal belonging to someone the same age as me, worrying about the A's and writing poetry in her journal. Reading journals by people who have a connection to you, no matter how small, makes you feel less alone somehow. And sometimes it's the only way to keep track of people you know. I ended up at organisedmess.com, my cousin tress's webpage, and then I went to take a look at her blog. We see each other maybe 4 or 5 times a year. I wish everyone had a blog, that way, I'd still know everyone even after a long time.

To all those I don't keep in contact with, for all those I knew but don't know anymore, this is for e, and for you too. Keep in touch. Failing that, keep reading.

(Hock Chai says it's a waste of memory space to remember dreams. I'm taking your advice, Hock Chai, I'm writing everything down so I have space for other things.)